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Abuse it or lose it!

By Matt Hayden

One of the most interesting aspects of the sex drive is how it pertains to other areas of life. I've discovered some amazing facts about how schtupping (or the lack thereof) can influence people's physical and mental well-being.

One UK study conducted years ago found that men who have regular sex are less likely to die accidental deaths. I wondered why. The boffins in question didn't offer many answers. My suggestion: These sexually active guys really had something to live for so they took extra care of their bodies. The desperate and dateless ones, lacking this prime motivator, were a lot more careless, and so came croppers much more regularly.

It could also be that sex -- particularly athletic sex --- involves difficult acts of coordination. If you've gone through even half of the Kama Sutra, you could probably get a gig teaching basic yoga. Greater physical control means an increased ability to dodge incoming traffic, or correct your balance after slipping on the soap.

Also, blokes who don't know where their next shag is coming from are forever daydreaming about how to find it. If you're a truck driver, that's a recipe for disaster. Then there are those who are actively trying to sate their lust. I suspect at least a few fatal prangs have been caused by men using mobiles -- while driving -- to call phone sex lines.

Speaking of masturbation (how's that for a segue!) you may have heard that another study has revealed it lowers the risk of prostate cancer.

We've long been told not to be ashamed of it. But now, there is reason to be proud. Shout it from the rooftops, fellas! (Er, just don't do it there. You'll get arrested.)

Hustler and Penthouse, long seen as cynical exploiters of a base drive, can now do one of the most politically correct things of all: receive funding from the Anti-Cancer Council. I can see another campaign along the lines of the well-known Australian
media push to get people to wear hats, T-shirts and sun block in summer. The catchphrase "Slip, slop, slap!" could be re-used for this one -- not to mention the sunscreen.

You never know, tossing off might even become cool -- kind of like tofu and Pilates. There's a danger to this newfound wanker-chic, though. It could easily become the norm, and sex will be seen as the loser-alternative. People will be crying out their own name during coitus! (There'll be no change in Hollywood, of course. They all do that anyway.)

Then there's the possibility of a whole new cottage industry. See, recently there was another intriguing sexological discovery: that women who were exposed to their lovers' semen experienced a greater sense of well-being. This was due to the presence of testosterone and estrogen, which both had a positive effect on mood. So the slang dictionary was accurate after all. It really is "joy-juice"!

Business-minded masturbators will have their keen -- if somewhat bloodshot -- eyes on this one. They'll be thinking: You can have a worm farm. So why not a sperm farm?

There will be armies of formerly jobless blokes being paid to indulge their great love, and a new, more viscous health cream on the shelves. The labels will read: "Tired of Oil of Ulan? Then try some Oil of Bry-an. He's not royal -- just a working stiff -- but
his jelly certainly is. Go on, ladies, splosh it all over. I'll make you feel like a queen!"

(Gawd, but I'm a sick puppy! Who in their right mind would think this stuff up?)


See more of Matt's politically incorrect rants and seriously twisted characters at:

Copyright Matt Hayden 2003.

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